Cruising for a Bruising: Climate Conscience Man and Cruise Ships

Climate Conscious Man has never liked cruises. Even before he was climate-conscious, the idea of being trapped in a floating Westfield shopping centre filled him with dread. He doesn't like the fake glamour, the enforced jolliness, the line-dancing, or the smell of buffet prawns in the sun. Although he does enjoy karaoke! But yeah, Climate Conscience Man has never been a cruise person. He used to think he might be willing to go on one to visit Antartica, but that's changed too.

Cruise ships are floating fossil fuel furnaces. A single cruise can emit as much CO₂ as thousands of cars do over a whole year. The industry is poorly regulated, pollutes pristine waters, and leaves a slick of diesel and plastic waste across the world’s oceans. And yet - like all villains in this story - the cruise-ship industry is growing. More ships. Bigger ships. More exclusive "eco" itineraries.

And here’s the kicker: Climate Conscience Man knows environmentally-minded people who go on cruises. They care deeply about the Great Barrier Reef. They vote Green. They recycle. Some are vegans. But then they fly to the other side of the world and book themselves on a fancy cruise. Or worse: they visit Antarctica or the Arctic on a 12-day “eco-adventure” on a ship that burns bunker fuel, disrupts wildlife, and contributes to melting the very ice they're there to admire.

This is cognitive dissonance on icebergs.

Sure, he once let a family member take his kids on a cruise - because being Climate Conscience Man also means being a reasonable dad. But that doesn’t mean he was OK with it. The experience left him with gnawing guilt and frustration: not just at the emissions, waste, and greenwashing, but at how normalised it all is. As if a Westfield on water is something to aspire to.

Climate Conscience Man tries not to judge - well, not too harshly. And he feels guilty and conflicted when he does. Because he understands the allure of adventure. He too once wanted to see penguins and polar bears in the wild. But he also knows that now with no carbon budget left for the planet, some places should remain sacred. Not everything needs to be experienced in person. Not everything needs a selfie.

Sometimes, when Climate Conscience Man sees a cruise ship, he wishes he was Gru from Despicable Me. Not for the minions (they're fun, cute and would be super handy), but for Gru’s fart gun. He imagines using the Gru fart gun to quietly disable every cruise ship on the planet. Nothing dangerous, just something delightfully final. The ships would stop. Their lights would dim. The music would fade. The smoke belching out of their chimney's would cease. A quiet would descend. And the whales and penguins would breathe a big sign of relief.

Until then, Climate Conscious Man keeps doing what he can. He’s written about this before in Care About the Climate? Skip the Cruise. He tries not to be too judgy when people he knows go on a cruise. But he is calling it out. Because choosing not to cruise isn’t a sacrifice. It’s common sense - for the climate, for Country, and our collective conscience.

Climate Conscience Man says the world's cruising for a climate bruising.